Attractiveness Cornerstone #1- Presentation

PRESENTATION is one of the “4 cornerstones of attraction.”

What does Presentation mean?

-Style
-Grooming
-Fitness

These DO matter. They are the first things women notice when they see you.

So if you want to get your foot in the door and have amazing dates with attractive women, you’re going to need to have these on point.

“But why, Michael? Shouldn’t she just like me for my character and personality?”

Ideally, yes. But consider this:

If your date showed up wearing sweatpants and flip flops, with disheveled hair, smelling like she hadn’t bathed in a week, would you want to keep seeing her?

Yeah, didn’t think so.

So how can we maximize these things?

Grooming:
-SHAVE!
-Remove unsightly hair
-Style your hair with purpose and see a stylist if you don’t know how
– Bathe daily( this should be obvious)

Fitness:
-Get thee to a gym!
-If you hate gyms, find something fun to do outdoors that moves your body.
-Pay attention to you diet and calorie intake
-Rinse and repeat

Style:
-Wear stuff that fits. See a tailor if you don’t know.
– Find clothes that express your personality and who you are.

You don’t have to be dressed in a suit every day. With the right fit and intention, you can make a t shirt and jeans look sexier than a frumpy suit.

The “4 Cornerstones of Attractiveness” for Men

 

What does it take to be truly attractive?

Do you have to be some super badass “alpha bro” who walks and talks like a douchebag?

One limiting belief that always stuck to me like glue was the idea that if I wanted to be successful in my dating and social life….

I would have to change myself into a completely different person and “sell out” who I really was and wanted to be.

For years I struggled to take action…because I didn’t think it was possible to:

A) Find a great relationship and date amazing women, while
B) Being true to who I really was… a person who I liked, admired and valued.

But as I got more experienced….I discovered that the most important thing you can do on a date is to just make the other person FEEL GOOD, regardless of who you were.

When I dropped my pre-conceived beliefs, and went in without expectations and just had a good time.

I started getting a lot more dates (including second/third/fourth dates)

If your date feels positive, excited emotions around you…

They’ll want to see you again. It’s that simple.

“But Michael…How in the blue hell can we do this?”

In my experience, both with myself and coaching other guys, it really comes down to 4 things:

-Confidence
-Presentation
-Decisiveness
-Sociability

Notice there’s nothing here about money/height/status, etc.

That’s because…while those things can get you initial attention….they won’t be able to sustain anything meaningful long term.

With the above 4…you can get initial attention….AND sustain healthy, kickass relationships.

I’ll be covering each one of these in an upcoming post this week..so stay tuned!

“She Broke Up With Me Because of My Schedule” Or…..How to Date When We’re Busy.

My friend Kevin was seeing a girl who he said was “extraordinary.” She was a lawyer working for a major firm in Manhattan, and he was a banker with very long working hours.

On paper…everything worked out. They were both driven, professional, growth minded people who were looking for someone similar.

But after a month of dating….she called everything off.

Not because of any major incompatibilities….

But because with their busy schedules…they had trouble finding times to actually meet.

Kevin was depressed….he felt as though if he wanted to date..he was going to have to find someone who was much less growth oriented and driven than he was.

But here’s the thing….the hard truth that I told him.

If either of you were really committed to seeing each other….you would have found a way to make the time to do so.

People who really want to meet and date will find a way to work around their schedules.

After asking him a few questions about his schedule…I found out that he wasn’t really putting in that much effort to go see her.

-He would call at the last minute and try to schedule something hours in advance often when she was working.

– He wouldn’t plan out dates and times to meet, to work around each other’s busy schedules.

This became a problem for the girl he was seeing, as whenever he wanted to do something, she was busy, and vice versa.

Perhaps you found yourself in a similar situation?

So is that it then? Are busy guys relegated to dating do-nothing homebodies for the rest of their lives?

Not at all!

Once I helped Kevin make three simple tweaks to his approach, things turned around massively, and the next hot-shot lawyer he dated became his current girlfriend!

1) Figuring out the scheduling needs of his date, ahead of time: This helped Kevin to coordinate his busy schedule with hers, to ensure that they always had a time to meet. This includes having backup times in case something falls through.

2) Finding a common time each week to meet. Kevin and his current girlfriend owe a lot of their early success to planning out common times each week to meet, and sticking to that time. In Kevin’s case, it was Saturday morning (the only time they could devote to dating regularly).

It may be boring and repetitive, but as a busy guy, sometimes you will need something routine to help keep things going.

3) Cutting out unneeded activities. (I struggled with this one….Netflix and video games are a helluva drug!)  Sometimes we need to cut out from our lives that which is not serving us. I helped Kevin identify what these were, and it turned out that he had a lot more time on his hands than he thought.

If you’re a busy guy, you could choose to continue dating despite your busy life, or you could decide to give up dating until your life becomes less hectic. Both are acceptable choices.

However, if you choose to continue to date, all is not lost. Perhaps just a few small changes can end up making all the difference.

Dating As An Introvert- Why You Shouldn’t Feel Pressured to Change

 

I have a confession to make: I’m a huge introvert.

Despite devoting my life to helping people improve themselves socially, I am quiet, laid back, and more observant, tending to think before I speak.

Unfortunately, it can be hard for us to accept the idea that we can be successful at dating, because the widespread beliefs are that:

a) Successful daters are “people persons”: outgoing, bubbly, chatty people. Quieter, more reflective people are boring….and dating should be fun.

b) Introverts don’t talk much because they don’t like people…why the hell would you want to date someone like that?

c) Introverts don’t talk much because they don’t have anything interesting to say…because their lives are boring. Why would you want to date someone like that?

For the longest time….I bought into this “common knowledge.” (despite the fact it’s all BS on it’s face).

I felt that only the strengths possessed by extroverts were the ones that truly mattered, and that I was screwed when it came to dating.

I started experimenting with new “personas,” trying to mold myself into what society thought would be more attractive.

Things like telling stupid jokes….talking about sports (which really isn’t my thing at all)….always having some quip or one liner on hand.

While it helped in the short term…at the end of the day, it was really draining. I was emotionally spent, and it felt fake as fuck.

I was getting some small successes…..but at the cost of who I was. I wasn’t liking who I was becoming.

At that point, I decided to do a full inventory of myself…..what I thought was attractive about me, about my character, about my temperament.

And I decided to make those the focus of my interactions.

I was going to be 100% unapologetically ME…and if they didn’t like it…..too bad for them.

By doing this, not only did I learn more about myself, but I learned more about the types of people I’m attracted to…where they hung out…what they liked doing.

And not only did the quantity of my dates increase…but so too did the quality.

By making that one shift….I was able to conquer so much of my doubts and insecurities about myself and where I stood.

Some of us have no problem trying to fit into society’s ideal of what a perfect person should be.

But don’t mistake that for a hard requirement for being successful in dating and finding your ideal match.

Dating in a Small Town

“MICHAEL..IT’S EASY FOR YOU TO DATE…YOU LIVE NEAR ONE OF THE BIGGEST CITIES IN THE WORLD….WHAT ABOUT ME OUT HERE IN PODUNK, insert state name?”

When I first speak to potential coaching clients, one of the objections that often gets thrown my way is how can I make my program work for guys who don’t live in or near big cities, and have limited opportunities to meet people.

It’s true….living near a big city is the shit!

You get access to more people, there’s an endless variety of venues and activities, and in the unfortunate case where a date goes south, you likely won’t ever have to see that person again.

Cities are awesome…. But so are suburban and rural areas. You need to learn what the advantages are and leverage them.

Did you know that before I came to New York, I lived in rural Connecticut, in what was termed a dating “dead zone?”

When I transferred there for my new job, I immediately wanted to quit…not because the job sucked, but because I did not think I was going to have any kind of social life whatsoever.

All I saw around me were boomers, married couples, and children. Great people to hang out with, but not exactly the best romantic prospects for me (no offense to any boomers).

Single women in my preferred age range were nowhere to be found…..or so it seemed.

On the surface…it didn’t look like I was going to go on a lot of dates.

But soon after, I decided to stop the defeatist thinking and figure out a way to make dating work.

I was able to come up with a strategy that actually got me more dates than at any other place I’ve lived in.

(And no, it won’t require you to travel 100+ miles to the nearest big city.)

So how did it work? Three things you want to focus on:

 #1: Focus on Online Dating

This is a big one. In places far away from cities, there is going to be less foot traffic and less people readily available to approach out of the blue. Especially if you have just moved and have not yet set up a social circle, online dating becomes doubly critical.

Don’t just throw up a few photos on Tinder and call it a day, either. Since you have less people to work with, you’ll want to join and use multiple apps to get access to the most people possible. A good rule of thumb is to sign up for around 5 apps. You could use a combination of free and paid apps (personally, I used 3 free and 2 paid apps when I was living in CT.) This should give you a good chance to meet people, without having to sacrifice a boatload of time doing so.

#2: While Online, Expand Your Search Radius

In NYC, oftentimes singles won’t date anyone more than 5 miles away. In many ways, this makes sense, as nobody wants to sit through a painful subway ride or slog their way through traffic just to go a handful of miles just to meet some stranger they found online for a date that may or may not be worthwhile.

 

But if you’re living in a small town, that attitude needs to change if you’re going to be successful. Again, because there are fewer potential singles around you, you are going to want to look a bit further than you normally would have. For me, I set my search radius as far as 2 hours away (about 120 miles assuming I drive 60 mph on the highway).

Now I actually didn’t want to drive 2 hours. When a date and I first met, I would find place in between me and her that we cold both get to in about an hour. So in actuality, I would only be driving an hour away (about the same amount of time I would be spending on public transport to go 7 miles or so in NYC on certain days). You may be putting a few miles on the odometer, but less traffic and congestion means that you won’t be wasting as much gas as you would sitting in traffic in a large city, especially if you have a car with good gas mileage (which I feel is a necessity when you’re living so far from everywhere.)

#3: Build Up a Social Circle

We should be doing this no matter where we live….but it becomes more and more important to have this kind of support around you when there a fewer of you.

One might think that using the Internet to search Meetup groups may be key here, but in fact, I never found much success with this…as many small towns are so small that they don’t even have meetup groups.

Instead, I did the opposite, I got out more and met people face to face. I became a regular at many places downtown. I talked to people about the weather, sports, etc, and slowly gained their trust. There’s a stereotype about small town people being cliquish and standoffish to new arrivals. This can be true. It can take a lot of time to build up trust with people in anew community. You will have to do your best to chip away at them until they come around.

When they do, you will find that even if the people you are talking to are not necessarily great romantic prospects, in many cases they know other people who are, and they can introduce you to them. This is where having a social circle becomes an advantage. You can use the people you’ve made friends with almost as a vetting tool, giving you instant social proof for the people they introduce you to.

Another great advantage of developing a social circle is that in a small town, your reputation travels quickly. For example, if you’re a man who tries to run “pickup” techniques on the local women like you would in a big city like NYC or London, people are going to catch on to that really quickly, and that reputation will stick with them as long as you’re there. This is not necessarily a good thing. Having people in your friend group who can vouch for the awesome person you are definitely makes a huge difference.

Bonus Tip: Develop PATIENCE

In today’s fast paced, instant gratification society, we expect things to happen for us immediately, and when they don’t, we’re disappointed. Living in big, fast paced cities, we tend to be able to get what we want faster.

Living in a small town or rural area in many ways runs counter to this idea. The pace of life is slower, and while people are more likely to stop what they’re doing to talk to you as a result of this, it may ultimately take them a while longer for them to really develop that sense of trust and appreciation. You may also need to take more time building a social circle and interacting with more people in a non-romantic way in order to lead to more romantic prospects. You may need to drive farther to meet people from online. You will need to be patient with this. If you can avoid panicking from the whole experience if things don’t work out quickly, you will stand a much better chance of being successful dating in a smaller town.

Good luck, and happy dating!

The Problem With (Most) Dating Coaches

There’s something that most dating coaches and “experts” do that really annoys me. It’s this idea that all of your dating problems and issues are caused by external factors…and that your confidence and self worth are solely determined by how women respond to you. If women respond well to you…then you’re a great guy…a stud…an “alpha.” If they don’t…..then there’s something wrong with you…and you need to change.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with becoming a better person (I encourage this)…But the problem arises when coaches, consciously or not, enable their students to believe that a woman’s opinion of them reflects on their universal value as a man.They end up focusing too much on ONLY changing external situations….and it may give them a false sense of confidence in the short term.

But then things start to get a little rocky…that false confidence goes away, and they are back to square one.

Frustrated….unsure of themselves….cursing dating and women.All because they didn’t tackle the right problem. That problem is what they are thinking and feeling on the INSIDE…about themselves…about dating…about women.

All the superficial shit (how should I style my hair….what vocal inflection should I use?) isn’t going to get you lasting success, if you don’t work on changing your negative thought patterns.

The reason most coaches don’t do this? Because it means they would have to do more work….

-More work to understand the individual personalities of their students, and how they would need to adjust strategies to suit each client.

-More work to understand the different types of women they are attracted to….and how some women won’t be impressed by the corny BS lines that most 20 year old “master” coaches are spitting out.

-More work to understand the relationship and life goals of each individual.

Basically, if it’s not a on size-fits all program where they can treat each client as if they were a unit on an assembly line….they don’t want any part of it. Because let’s be honest…. they’re lazy, and they’re not concerned with understanding who you are and what your needs are.

Are ALL dating coaches this way? Certainly not! But when researching potential coaches, be wary of anyone who tries to shoehorn you into a formulated program, and who prescribes the same solution to you that they do to literally anyone else.

The fact is that people are different, and each one has their own particular set of issues, tastes, personalities, and temperaments. A good coach will know how to meet all of these different types of people where they are, and help them to accentuate their own personal strengths. They will not try to make you take on their idea of what constitutes strength, especially if that’s the type of thing that turns you off.

You shouldn’t have to totally change who you are and what you like just to impress girls.

 

 

“DON’T BE SO NEEDY, BRO!”

I remember this great date I had.

We had a fantastic time….and she said she was looking forward to seeing me again.

I also remember watching a Youtube advice video around that time, telling me that I should wait several days before texting a girl back. It said:

“Texting too soon is needy behavior. You’ve got to show her that you’re a high value guy who’s got a lot of shit going on for him. Wait 2 days before texting again. Then set up the date.”

So 2 days later I texted.

and got nothing back.

I waited another day..

She responded back….

We talked for a bit, and when I brought up the subject of a second date, she said.

“Actually…this is awkward…but when I didn’t hear back from you the other night…I thought you lost interest. A couple of days ago, I actually decided to make it official with another guy I’ve been seeing.”

We exchanged a few more lines of text before wishing each other luck.

I was disappointed.

I had the chance to strike while the iron was hot, and I didn’t do it, all because of some “rule” that some random Youtuber thought was in my best interest.

But women, like men, are usually seeing more than one person when they’re dating casually. 

At any time during that process, they could decide to become exclusive with any of those guys….including you.

And women who have other options aren’t going to wait around for you.

It’s true….showing TOO MUCH interest can be a huge turn off……but showing TOO LITTLE can also cost you.

In this case, the girl thought I wasn’t interested…and it could have been for any number of reasons.

So how do we know what is too much and what is too little interest?

The questions you want to ask are: How did the date go? How much did you enjoy it? How much do you think she enjoyed it? Gauge things by how the date went….and reply accordingly.

If you felt that chemistry…there’s no shame in texting soon after to start setting up that second date.

Use your best judgment….. and remember that content offering a “universal, one size fits all” solution is not going to work in every case.

“You Don’t Look Like a ‘Ladies Man,’ What Gives You the Right to Coach This Stuff?”

When people hear the words “dating coach” or even “relationship coach,” certain images come to mind.

The most popular is that of a super suave, suit and sunglasses-at-night wearing, wine drinking, yacht riding playboy, surrounded by hot babes….with or without lots of booze and coke to go along with it.

We associate all coaches with this lifestyle, so when someone like me comes along who clearly doesn’t run in those types of circles…..we immediately rush to doubt the source.

“You just look like a normal guy….how can YOU coach guys how to meet women?”

“Dude..you’re like….bald and stuff. How can you be an authority on attracting women?”

“Where’s all the money and bitches, man? I thought dudes like you lived the high life.”

(Yes, these were actual comments I received.)

It’s a good question though….how can I be an authority?

When I decided I needed to get a coach…I immediately looked at guys who on the surface looked like they were living it up.

My first coach was a 6’5″ male model…who has done acting and movie roles, and who used to be an assistant coach for one of the most well known dating and attraction experts (you’ve most likely seen this person on Youtube.)

At first, he seemed great. He looked like he had the life I wanted, and was attracting the types of women most guys would clamor for.

He taught me about confidence, and how to love myself again after my last relationship ended in a bad way.

But there was one thing that was missing..

I noticed this when he would approach and talk to women on our nights out.

The fact that he looked the way he did meant that his reality in dating was a whole lot different than mine.

When we were out, he would do nothing more than use his “natural advantages” to attract his prospects.

This is something that I was simply not going to be able to do.

Furthermore, this guy’s dates would end very quickly….and none of them led him to any long term success.

I didn’t learn much about how to improve conversation….how to make a deep connection…how to find out if this person was right for me or not…basically all the skills I really needed to know.

So after a while..I decided to leave his services and find someone else.

This time, I found someone who was a little older….a little greyer…a little shorter…..and a bit more average looking.

Although at first glance no one would mistake him for a “ladies man,” he did have some things that were very important:

1) He had a long term relationship with a woman who was about to become his fiancée. This was key, as it showed me that he was living the outcome that I desired for myself.

2) Since he didn’t have the “natural advantages” that my first coach had…..he had to go through a lot of failure and learning experiences for him to get to the place where he had to be in order to be a successful coach. He had been through the shit…..and lived to tell the tale.

3) Having been through all that, he worked painstakingly to find a system that worked for him…using his strengths…his own advantages, and most importantly, his own personality and character.

He may not have been the most glamorous, but his advice and teachings were what put my own dating life over the edge, to the point where for several months….I was dating 2-3 women per WEEK.

My own growth and development has been very similar to coach #2, and this is why I feel I am more effective.

Because I’ve been through all the challenges myself…I’ve seen all the ups and downs I’ve been both euphoric and depressed…. my challenges have fueled my growth…

and I’ve come out the other side, feeling pretty damn good, with an amazing partner.

What’s the lesson here?

The bling-bling and the fancy bells and whistles might look good at first, but it ultimately won’t mean much if it isn’t going to give you the result you want that’s aligned with who you are.

Desire

Ever have one of those days where you have your mind set on something, but then at the last minute, you say “Meh….fuck it!”?

I remember one of these days not too long ago.

It was 45 degrees, rainy, and windy as hell.

Although I was wearing my parka, the wind kept blowing the hood off, leaving my head and face soaked.

A part of me really just wanted to go back inside, get some hot tea, and read a book. But I kept going……why?

Because the commitment I made to getting out and getting exercise was stronger than the discomfort I felt from the shit weather.

As I did this, I thought about how this applies to dating.

A lot of us say we want to improve our dating lives, get better at meeting people, go on more or better dates.

We claim to be willing to do more than what we’ve been doing to get the results we want.

But when push comes to shove….we don’t do it.

Because the uncertainty of stepping outside our comfort zones is stronger than our desire to getting the results we want.

So we go out to bars, meet ups, speed dating events, or maybe we try online dating. We dip our feet in the water, but never quite go all in.

And we end up back home, spending another night alone, wondering what the hell happened.

The bottom line is that until your desire to get results eclipses the desire for comfort and security…you will never truly progress.

 

Is She Flirting With Me?

 

One thing that many guys have trouble deciphering (whether in person or over text), is figuring out of someone is genuinely flirting with them or not.

So, how can we tell? A few things:

-How much is she texting you? Is it fairly equal, or massively one sided?

-Does she ever text you first? Or are you constantly the one taking the lead?

– When in person, is she being expressive, smiling, and detailed with her responses? Is she adding anything to the conversation besides simple, straightforward answers?

-Does she get playful and tease you?

-Does she use a lot of emojis in texts?

Women will not do these things with guys they don’t like or don’t see potential in. If you’re getting these, there’s a good chance things are progressing nicely.

Keep it up!