The WORST Opening Message to Send to Someone in Online Dating

I remember not too long ago when I was sitting in a coffee shop in Chelsea, NYC with a female friend of mine. We eventually started talking about her dating life, and to help explain her state of frustration, she showed me her Tinder message feed.

A lot of the conversations were what I expected, but what really surprised me was the depressing lack of originality with the opening messages. She had over 180 matches in her feed….and from the top to the bottom, it was all the same…

“Hey”
“Hi there”
“Sup?”
“How u doin?”
“Hey cutie”
“Ur gorgeous… #?”

I remember sitting there thinking to myself, “Good lord…. if this were me…how in the hell would I figure out who to message when everything looks like this?” If it was that tough for me to sit there for 2 minutes and try to sift through all that fluff, imagine how it is for her.

Especially when she’s dealing with this Every.Single.Day.

If this is how it is for most women, NO WONDER most guys don’t ever hear back! Guys, the hard truth of online dating is that if you want to be noticed. You’re going to have to do something to stand out from the rest of the masses of guys.

“Easy, Michael….just be a 6’5″ good-looking millionaire with a Lambo and a six pack….that’ll do the trick.”

True….those things will certainly help (at least with getting initial interest), but what if you don’t have those things? How can you leverage yourself so that you get noticed? Part of how you do this (in addition to improving your photo quality, which we’ve discussed) is by crafting better messages that will get her to stop and take notice. “Hey there” isn’t going to cut it.

Why is a simple “hey” such a bad first message?

1) It’s boring….it doesn’t create any emotional spark.

2) It’s actually hard to respond to meaningfully..Just saying ‘hey’ back is a prelude to a pretty dead-end conversation.

3) It’s terribly unoriginal..and doesn’t showcase anything about yourself or your personality…which you’ll need to do in order to stand out.

So, what does a high-quality opening message look like? I’ll be talking more about that in my upcoming posts during this week, where we will be breaking down the 3 Keys to Kickass Opening Messages.”

But for now, think about the messages you send to women online. Which ones have worked? Which ones haven’t?

Comment below and let me know.

The Definition of Insanity

“The Definition of Insanity is Doing the Same Thing Over and Over and Expecting a Different Result.”

The other day I wrote about how we need to ask questions of ourselves in order to figure out what’s going on if we keep running into roadblocks when dating.

Doing this is massively helpful. But if we answer those questions and then keep doing the same things, then our results will continue to suck. It’s not enough to just identify things we need to change.We need to actually DO those things. Sometimes this can be rough, and for many, it’s too far a step outside of our comfort zones.

So I recommend starting small. If you find that there are 7 things you’ve identified that you can change and do better, focus on improving 1 or 2 at a time. Once you become comfortable with those, then add in the other things in time.

So if you know that:

1) My body language is off
2) My dress sense sucks
3) My conversations are too boring

Maybe focus on the dress sense first (or whichever order you’d like to tackle them in)…get that taken care of, and then work on the others. You will still end up improving, yet you won’t feel overwhelmed in doing so. We can’t control what others think about us, but we can control what WE do about it.

If shit isn’t going how we’d like it to be, WE have to be the ones to make the effort to change it.

The Importance of Asking Questions When We’re Rejected.

Let’s talk about the second thing to help us bounce back from frequent rejection.

ASK YOURSELF QUESTIONS!!

Let’s say you are frequenting lots of different social situations, and meeting many interesting women.

Your conversations are going well, but whenever the topic of seeing them again/going on a date/following up comes up…suddenly things turn sour.

“I have a boyfriend.”
“I’m busy next week” (with no other time given)
“I’ve gotta work, sorry.”

Of course, you could take things completely at face value…they might actually be extremely honest.

But if you find this is happening too frequently…the answer may lie elsewhere.

After all, the one common denominator in all of these interactions is YOU.

Many guys just leave an unsuccessful interaction and they focus solely on the result. They don’t bother focusing on the things that happened in order to arrive at that result.

If they did this, they could identify things that they could change and improve.

Asking ourselves questions can help us arrive at the information we need to start making better changes and decisions…so that next time, our results can be better.

The next time you’re rejected, ask yourself:

-How could I have presented myself differently?
-How could I make my conversation skills better?
-How can I improve my appearance and dress?
-Was everything I was doing on point…… and was SHE just acting awkward?

Taking the time to analyze conversations I was in and ask questions of myself helped me tremendously to work on ways to improve what I was doing.

If I hadn’t asked, I would be beating my head against the wall doing the same things, and ending up in the same place.

So next time you’re in a situation like this, ask yourself questions. You may be surprised to find some critical information that can help you along the way.

How Can We Bounce Back From Rejection?

HOW DO YOU BOUNCE BACK WHEN REJECTION IS CONSISTENT?

I always love hearing about what’s going on in people’s dating lives.

One common theme that I hear from clients isn’t necessarily the fact that they are getting rejected, but the fact that it’s happening with such regularity, to the point where they’re ready to give up.

I get it…I know how much it sucks. They feel like they’re doing what you think is right, yet nothing is happening for them.

How can we fix this? And how can we bounce back when it seems like nothing is going right in our dating lives?

In the next several posts…I’m going to outline several steps that we’ll need to go through to make the change. Starting with…

IDENTIFY WHAT’S GOING RIGHT

This may seem counterintuitive, because if we’re not getting the results we want, we tend to look at everything in a negative light, and shit on the whole situation.

In reality, there is good AND bad with most situations.

By being able to recognize what went right on a date or in an interaction, we can figure out what it is that’s actually working for us, and keep it up when we’re on future dates.

It also shows us that we’re not complete failures or losers, and that some of the things we do are actually having a positive effect on the people we’re interacting with.

In a way, focusing on the good helps us identify our strengths.

Think about dates or interactions that you’ve had recently. Maybe they didn’t lead to a second date or anything more….but what about those dates went right?

What were some of the positives that you both got from it?

Limiting Beliefs and Changing Who You Are to Get Dates

In my teens and 20s, I had this limiting belief.

I thought that if I wanted to date the girls who I was really attracted to…I had to be this stereotypical “cool guy.” A jock. A badboy. An “alpha.”

– I thought I had to dress like a frat boy
– I thought I had to be funny all the time
– I thought I had to be an asshole
– I thought I had to ditch all of my interests and hobbies and adopt more “acceptable” ones

Personally…I hated the idea of becoming this guy. I liked who I was, and I felt like I had a lot to offer.

Why should I contort myself into being the type of guy I personally can’t stand in order to attract more dates?

It felt like I had to sell my soul in order to get the results I wanted.

But for a while…I did it anyway.

For a good 3 years…I put forth my best effort to “fake it till I make it.”

I told myself that if I do this long enough…it will become second nature. All of the books and videos online universally agreed on this, so it must be true!

For 3 years, I faked it…..only problem was….I never “made it.”

I just ended up looking foolish.

My friends and family wondered what the hell was going on with me.

I dated attractive women….but they were the opposite of what I wanted in terms of personality.

In reality…..the whole thing felt dirty.

I then decided that everything I did in my dating life was going to come form a place that was 100% authentically me, for better or worse.

And if some women didn’t like that….so be it.

I had reached a point where I would rather have fewer dates, but have each one of them be meaningful….than a whole bunch of shit dates.

And that’s exactly what happened.

I ended up going on fewer dates, but the ones I went on were absolutely kickass.

Because the issue was never about me not being “cool” or “badass.”

The real issue was my attitude about who I was and how I valued myself.

When I understood and learned to appreciate who I was and what I had to offer, and had no shame about showing that to the world….results (and the right kinds of women) followed.

This has been the same for the dozens of clients I have successfully coached in my program, so I know I’m not just a fluke.

What are some of your biggest beliefs about dating that are holding you back currently?

The #1 “Nice Guy” Mistake

THE #1 “NICE GUY” MISTAKE

Actually, there are many…. but today I’m going to go over the biggest one…

It’s this idea that if you do nice things for a woman and “treat her right”, that somehow she then owes you affection (both in the emotional and physical sense).

They think that if they take her out to dinner (and pay), if they agree with everything she says, if they let her make all the decisions….

That it will mean women will see how great of a guy they are, and want to date/sleep with/enter into an LTR with them.

It doesn’t work that way.

Placating and trying to be overly pleasing is one of the worst things you can do in dating and relationships…

but not for the reasons you may think.

The real reason why it’s such a shitty strategy is because, ironically….

It’s not who you are…. You’re NOT being yourself.

You’re being a watered down, tone deaf version of you.

You’re purposely giving yourself a handicap, like boxing Mike Tyson with one arm tied behind your back.

You THINK that being that type of guy is more attractive.

But here’s the thing.

Women appreciate and value guys who are not afraid to show who they truly are, whether they disagree or not.

They appreciate and feel attraction towards a man who unapologetically says what he means and lets his true thoughts be known.

That’s a key difference between a “nice” guy and a “good” guy.

Good guys do good things, but they do them because they WANT to…not because they feel they HAVE to in order to get a desired result.

For those of you who still consider yourselves “nice guys,” I encourage you to try it.

Instead of biting your tongue and trying to please her….let YOU come out, even if you think it might be a bad idea.

You might be surprised with the result.

And even if the worst happens….at least you can walk away knowing that you let her get a glimpse of who you are..

and that’s a lot better than putting on a mask and being fake.

Because doing so will help the women who are right for you find you…and repel the ones that aren’t.

And isn’t that what it’s all about, anyway?

Why Body Language is So Damn Important

Successful flirting is something that many guys know the definition to…but not something that they actually do when in an interaction with a woman.

This can mostly be down to fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, or because of not knowing when and how to do it.

There are 3 Major Keys to Successful Flirting, and today I will shine a light on one of them:

BODY LANGUAGE

It has been said that when we communicate with each other, that 70% of the message we convey is through body language alone.

23% is through tone of voice, and only 7% is the actual words we speak.

That means that if our body language is not lining up with our words…we will be sending the absolute wrong message.

What does body language include?

-Eye contact
-Standing and Sitting Posture
-Touching
-Our movement

Body language forms the bedrock of how we communicate with the opposite sex. We need to have this stuff on point if we’re going to send the right message when we flirt.

What does good body language look like?

– Hold eye contact for a good amount of time, but not too long, as that can come across as intrusive. A good rule of thumb is to break eye contact for a short period every minute or so.

-Our movements should be smooth, and use an economy of motion. The less short, fidgety moves you make, the better. Fidgeting displays nervousness and uncertainty….not the message you want to be sending.

-Good posture is open and relaxed. This includes uncrossed arms, smile, open stance, open sitting posture and facing the person full on.

-Light touching (in appropriate and acceptable places) during a high point in a conversation can emphasize the idea that you are interested romantically. Combined with our words, this creates powerful flirting.

It is important that you do not go all out starting with touching inappropriate places. We want a date with a girl…..not a date with the cops.

In the next post, I’ll talk more about how to integrate using good body language together with our words and tone of voice.

Attractiveness Cornerstone #4- Empathy and Warmth

OK guys, so now we come to the fourth and final Cornerstone of Attractiveness…

And it may be something you hadn’t thought of before.

The ideas of EMPATHY and WARMTH.

Now…if you listen to lot of other guys in the dating niche….they will downplay the importance of these ideas at best…

And straight up demonize them at worst….claiming that these traits are somehow “feminine” and that no “real man” should bother working on them.

I find views like this to be extremely short-sighted.

Because in the quest to be the biggest “Billy Bad-Ass” on Earth…these guys forget one thing….

That straight up cocky and macho behavior might impress and woo women in the first few moments….

But without the balance of the strength WITH the tenderness…women are likely to grow tired very soon.

Balancing this trait with the other three mentioned this week is something to strive for to keep strong healthy relationships going.

Too much aggressiveness and machismo….and you risk of being a complete asshole.

Too much empathy and warmth with no decisiveness, and you risk being a complete doormat.

It’s like Yin and Yang…..you need to nurture both of these (along with presentation and confidence) if you are going to maximize your attractiveness.

So what does Warmth and Empathy look like?

-It’s putting yourself in the shoes of your date….and being able to balance thinking about her comfort….her well being…her needs, as well as your own.

-It’s putting her at her ease, being able to come across as a friendly, sociable guy, who knows how to handle himself in a conversation.

– It’s being PRESENT in the moment (I did a post on this back in July), and being able to relax and enjoy the moment, not always thinking about what you’re going to get.

Next time you’re on a date….think about ways in which you can better accomplish these points.

What can you do to better show empathy and warmth?

Remember guys, balance is key in all things =)

Attractiveness Cornerstone #3- Decisiveness and Assertiveness

Why DECISIVENESS and ASSERTIVENESS are so attractive.

When we hear the words “decisiveness” and “assertiveness,” one of the first things that comes to mind for a lot of guys is someone who is a disagreeable asshole…

Someone who only values his own wants and needs, and pushes for his way…without thinking of anyone else.

Think of a tyrannical CEO or a high school bully.

This description misses the mark, however.

Sure, assertiveness and decisiveness are all about knowing what you want and going for it.

But the mistake happens in thinking you have to mistreat others in order to get it.

There’s nothing wrong or “mean spirited” about knowing what you want, setting goals, confidently pursuing them, without letting anything stand on your way.

Assertive does not equate to asshole.

“But Michael…why is it important? Why do we need these traits?”

Try using empathy and putting yourself in the shoes of your ideal woman….

Is she the type of girl who is going to appreciate someone who doesn’t know what he wants…who doesn’t show desire and fortitude?

Or is she more likely to appreciate someone who takes the proverbial bull by the horns…and isn’t going to let the little bullshit in life drag him down?

On the other side….would you want a woman who can’t make a decision? Who always needs to be led around by the nose?

Assertiveness and Decisiveness are attractive because they show CONFIDENCE (tying in to yesterday’s post) and they show that you HAVE YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

Nothing is more attractive than that.

How do you guys show assertiveness on your life? How do you think you should show it?

Attractiveness Cornerstone #2- Confidence

My thoughts on CONFIDENCE

(And no, this is not just another cliche “Be Confident” post)

Where does confidence come from? How can we get more of it?

I’m going to give you my advice…but first.

When I first wanted to improve my dating life by doing “game”…..

One of the biggest themes I always came across was the idea of “stepping outside your comfort zone.”

The idea being that if you continually put yourself in situations that are uncomfortable or challenging for you…

Eventually you will get so used to it, that you will develop rock solid confidence and can handle yourself anywhere.

Sounds good in theory, but it never worked for me.

Why?…Because I was doing things that deep down, I didn’t want to do, and that went against my idea of a good, fun time.

At first, I was told I needed to put myself in venues that were going to “challenge” me, like loud bars and nightclubs.

As someone who prefers peace and quiet…I always hated those places, and never saw myself ever liking them.

For 2 years, every weekend, I hit up the bars and clubs, using strategies I was taught, hoping that eventually I would gain competence and confidence.

Those things never came.

2 years on, I was still questioning myself as to whether I could ever meet a woman I really wanted.

But when I changed things up, and made more of an effort to meet women in places where I WAS comfortable (like online and meetup groups)..

My results improved…and then, I got a lot more confidence.

So much so, that I was able to go out to those more challenging venues later on and do a much better job..

Because mentally…I already had proof that I could achieve success.

So what’s the lesson here?

A lot of “experts” will tell you that to build confidence, you have to immediately go out and do things that make you uncomfortable…

To “step into the discomfort” and “force” yourself to grow.

I call bullshit on that.

Instead, how about doing the opposite? Start out building your confidence by getting success in areas where you know you can, and build from there.

You may find it a lot easier and more fun to work at. And because of that, you may find you are in a much better position to meet your ideal woman!

Fun times….situations where you are naturally confident and competent, and don’t have to “pump your state”…women who have things in common with you?

Sounds like a win-win to me.